It Is Time

In the last month, I've helped care for my ailing father who fell and broke his hip. This would seem to be a bad thing considering he has Alzheimers and lung disease. However, when dad fell three years ago, we thought we were losing him. This fall has actually brought him back to us more than he has been in the last three years. He still has moments of memory loss, or confusion. But his hip is healing, he is putting on weight, and he is able to carry meaningful conversations with us.

I've also carried the burden of my son Matthew who is dealing with bizzare health issues that the doctors can't seem to pinpoint. All they can really tell us is that he isn't dying. Good to know... but in the meantime, how can such a young man deal with a body that is betraying him?

Aside from that, I've also watched one I love stand up for his strong beliefs on a certain subject only to see that people are being pushed away from him out of fear of hurting his feelings.

And then, our daughter Sarah was struggling with who she was and turned to alcohol and pot to relieve her stress. That in turn stressed me out to the point that I was ready to pack my bags and take a vacation from home just to get some peace.

On top of all of that, I'm currently jobless in an economy that isn't hiring.

I've watched another daughter lose her self respect and fall into a depression that seemed as if it might take massive help to bring her back. Thank God she seems to be on the mend.

And for a final blow, our amazing daughter Laura just gave birth to a healthy baby girl after having split up with the father of her kids. I think of her and how amazing she is... having gone to nursing school while working and taking care of her children. There are times that she feels worthless and longs for a relationship with someone who won't put her down and make her feel like a loser. How can a woman who is a full fledged nurse now who still makes time with her kids feel like a loser? She'll be with us in two short weeks and our goal is to love her and pump her up before she heads back home.

With everything going on, it is my reaction to crawl into a shell, hide and wait everything out. This time.... I've been unable to locate that shell. I'm sure it's hidden in the muck of my house.

I have three constants in my life that bring me joy and relief. First, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Second, my wonderful husband. And third, some extremely amazing friends/family who remind me that life isn't all about disaster. I laugh. I sleep. I worry. I experience joy.

The biggest blow to me this last week was hearing that two couples I have looked up to over the last few years are in the middle of divorcing. I'm not sure why, but I mourned. Loud. Wailing. One of the women said that after 25 years of marriage, she isn't sure at all whether or not she's ever loved her husband. How can that be? There was no abuse involved. Children were born and raised. Holidays celebrated. And then, one day, an old friend from school walks into her life, and she's done. Just finished.

Another couple has spent the last few years caring for an ailing child. The child is now mended, but in the process of one mending, a marriage was undone.

I look at my husband who is my best friend, my confidant, my partner and I can't imagine ever leaving him. In fact, I've decided that should he ever leave me (sorry honey, I know that's practically blasphemous) or die before me, I will remain single for the rest of my life.

I sat and explained to our daughter the other night what real love is to me. All of the previous writing in this blog leads to this:

Love is a Choice.

We start out with attraction, lust. It develops into "love" and a relationship. We have moments of butterflies when we think of that other person. Joy. Even heartsickness. We grow as a couple. We wed. And then life sets in. The bills pile on. The children have issues. We aren't living to our full potential. Underwear are left on the floor. Hair clogs the drain. You get the drift. Life.

As a couple, one of the goals that we have reached is that when the butterflies aren't there, the love still is. I choose, for better or for worse, to be the mate/partner/wife/love/friend to my husband. The feelings may not always be there. You know the ones. The feelings that make your heart swell when you look at him/her. But for me, for us... the love remains. Love is a verb. It's an action. You do it even if you don't feel like it. And because you continue to treat your mate with respect, continue to listen to them, do nice things for them, meet their needs, you are acting out that verb, Love. The really cool thing is, they respond to that. And then, there are times when I can look at my man and think "Oh my gosh. How lucky am I that I ended up with him?"

My wish for each of you is that you choose love. Choose to act on it, even if you don't "feel" it at times. The feeling comes back.

You could be in an abusive relationship. Your partner may have cheated on you. You don't have to take that. I understand walking away because of that. But if you have someone who has never raised a hand to you, who walks away from the pretty girl with the low cut blouse because he is loyal to you, think long and hard about what you could be throwing away.

Thanks for reading! ~ Dawn