It Is Time

In the last month, I've helped care for my ailing father who fell and broke his hip. This would seem to be a bad thing considering he has Alzheimers and lung disease. However, when dad fell three years ago, we thought we were losing him. This fall has actually brought him back to us more than he has been in the last three years. He still has moments of memory loss, or confusion. But his hip is healing, he is putting on weight, and he is able to carry meaningful conversations with us.

I've also carried the burden of my son Matthew who is dealing with bizzare health issues that the doctors can't seem to pinpoint. All they can really tell us is that he isn't dying. Good to know... but in the meantime, how can such a young man deal with a body that is betraying him?

Aside from that, I've also watched one I love stand up for his strong beliefs on a certain subject only to see that people are being pushed away from him out of fear of hurting his feelings.

And then, our daughter Sarah was struggling with who she was and turned to alcohol and pot to relieve her stress. That in turn stressed me out to the point that I was ready to pack my bags and take a vacation from home just to get some peace.

On top of all of that, I'm currently jobless in an economy that isn't hiring.

I've watched another daughter lose her self respect and fall into a depression that seemed as if it might take massive help to bring her back. Thank God she seems to be on the mend.

And for a final blow, our amazing daughter Laura just gave birth to a healthy baby girl after having split up with the father of her kids. I think of her and how amazing she is... having gone to nursing school while working and taking care of her children. There are times that she feels worthless and longs for a relationship with someone who won't put her down and make her feel like a loser. How can a woman who is a full fledged nurse now who still makes time with her kids feel like a loser? She'll be with us in two short weeks and our goal is to love her and pump her up before she heads back home.

With everything going on, it is my reaction to crawl into a shell, hide and wait everything out. This time.... I've been unable to locate that shell. I'm sure it's hidden in the muck of my house.

I have three constants in my life that bring me joy and relief. First, my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Second, my wonderful husband. And third, some extremely amazing friends/family who remind me that life isn't all about disaster. I laugh. I sleep. I worry. I experience joy.

The biggest blow to me this last week was hearing that two couples I have looked up to over the last few years are in the middle of divorcing. I'm not sure why, but I mourned. Loud. Wailing. One of the women said that after 25 years of marriage, she isn't sure at all whether or not she's ever loved her husband. How can that be? There was no abuse involved. Children were born and raised. Holidays celebrated. And then, one day, an old friend from school walks into her life, and she's done. Just finished.

Another couple has spent the last few years caring for an ailing child. The child is now mended, but in the process of one mending, a marriage was undone.

I look at my husband who is my best friend, my confidant, my partner and I can't imagine ever leaving him. In fact, I've decided that should he ever leave me (sorry honey, I know that's practically blasphemous) or die before me, I will remain single for the rest of my life.

I sat and explained to our daughter the other night what real love is to me. All of the previous writing in this blog leads to this:

Love is a Choice.

We start out with attraction, lust. It develops into "love" and a relationship. We have moments of butterflies when we think of that other person. Joy. Even heartsickness. We grow as a couple. We wed. And then life sets in. The bills pile on. The children have issues. We aren't living to our full potential. Underwear are left on the floor. Hair clogs the drain. You get the drift. Life.

As a couple, one of the goals that we have reached is that when the butterflies aren't there, the love still is. I choose, for better or for worse, to be the mate/partner/wife/love/friend to my husband. The feelings may not always be there. You know the ones. The feelings that make your heart swell when you look at him/her. But for me, for us... the love remains. Love is a verb. It's an action. You do it even if you don't feel like it. And because you continue to treat your mate with respect, continue to listen to them, do nice things for them, meet their needs, you are acting out that verb, Love. The really cool thing is, they respond to that. And then, there are times when I can look at my man and think "Oh my gosh. How lucky am I that I ended up with him?"

My wish for each of you is that you choose love. Choose to act on it, even if you don't "feel" it at times. The feeling comes back.

You could be in an abusive relationship. Your partner may have cheated on you. You don't have to take that. I understand walking away because of that. But if you have someone who has never raised a hand to you, who walks away from the pretty girl with the low cut blouse because he is loyal to you, think long and hard about what you could be throwing away.

Thanks for reading! ~ Dawn

Birth from a Grandparent's View

Working toward our goals as a couple the past couple of days has really gone by the wayside. At least in the formulaic sense we laid out for ourselves. For very good reason, certainly. And in truth, part of our goal quest was to draw us closer to each other and to being the people we know we were meant to be, so I feel as if our goal reaching was exceeded rather than stunted.

I have an amazing husband. Those of you who know me have heard me say that many times, I know. What you may not know is that he chose to stay with me at the hospital all night long, wide awake, worrying, rejoicing, laughing and allowing me to be the emotional wreck I had to be throughout my son and daughter-in-law's birthing ordeal. And then, when morning arrived, rather than call in sick he hugged and kissed me goodbye and went to work. As exhausted as we both were, when he got home from work tonight, he drove to the hospital to visit the new family and hold Alakai as I snapped picture after picture. I am blessed, and loved. As he is greatly loved in return.

Alakai took his sweet time in finally arriving. 9 pounds 5 ounces of baby is proof of that! Anna's doctor finally decided it was time to induce her on Tuesday the 17th of March. St. Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, we were put off till yesterday morning as there were so many walk-ins ready to give birth Tuesday. So we spent one more night resting and waiting. Once again, at 7:30 AM Wednesday morning, we were told there was no room at the inn and to try back at noon. Finally, after a long morning of waiting, Anna was admitted to the Silverton Hospital Birthing Center at 3 PM. Even though I know from four of my own births that birthing can be a very long process, I wanted and needed to be there for the whole experience.

Oh how beautiful Anna looked! Smiling, light-hearted, joyful. And Matthew looked so strong and responsible and full of anticipation. Anna's contractions were light enough to come across as a hug across her belly. I'm sure neither of them fully understood how long the rest of the day or night were going to be! We can only share rather than impart our experiences to our children. I was happy and excited for them, yet scared to death of what would come.

They broke Anna's water in the early evening hours, which did finally bring on stronger contractions. She spent much of her time sitting on a large hippity-hop ball with no handle. How boring is that? If they would just put a handle on those things, the moms-to-be could bounce their way up and down the hospital corridor in childlike glee. Shoot, if they'd had any extras around, that's what I would have been doing!

Around 9 PM the doctor decided it was time for a pitocin drip to kick the contractions into high gear. It did the trick, that's for sure! But Anna was a trooper and a poster-child for laboring women. I'll never forget standing in front of her as she sat in a rocking chair, gently gliding back and forth through a strong contraction watching her calmly breathe deeply with her head laid back and her eyes closed. She brought her baby boy into the world without fighting the pain ravaging her body. I, on the other hand, brought my first child into the world kicking and screaming!

I left the hospital room to allow Matthew and Anna the privacy they so needed to bring Alakai into the world. My husband, children and I spent a lot of time in the waiting room or wandering the corridors to keep ourselves occupied. Matthew would routinely send me a text message to let me know how Anna was doing.

Shortly after midnight, my children all went home to sleep, knowing there was still a long wait for birth to finally happen. I urged my husband to go home and sleep as well, so he would be rested for work in the morning. He stayed.

My husband is funny - in many ways. One of his peculiar "funny ways" is the fact that he can't make up his mind. When I asked if he wanted to go home he responded "oh, I don't know." I knew then that he would stay with me throughout the night. Sometimes I just go ahead and read his "oh, I don't know" to mean, "I'm sticking with you." We lamented the fact that we couldn't get online to play Mafia Wars... couldn't even watch videos on Youtube! We felt quite disconnected! However, in preparation for the long hours to come, I added 10 episodes of Grey's Anatomy to my laptop. So, we scrounged up coffee, commandeered a small waiting room, moved the furniture around so we could put our feet up, and enjoyed hour after hour of my favorite show. What a trooper he is!

At 1:30 AM a booming announcement went out over the PA system: "Life Flight will be landing shortly in our parking lot. Please remove all vehicles parked in front of the Birthing Center to make way for the helicopter." The announcement was repeated in multiple languages. Being the camera happy girl I am, I grabbed the camera while he moved the car. What ensued after we did our part, was something right out of a Saturday Night Live skit.

Two cars remained in the parking lot. A red sedan of some kind on the hospital side of the median, and a white Honda Accord on the other side, overlapping the landing pad. As we stood outside waiting for the arrival of the helicopter, a police sedan pulled up at the end of the landing pad, a ways away from the Accord. The two officers got out of the car, walked to the Accord and used their maglights to shine up and down the sides of the car. The both of them huddled together and began to scratch their heads. Really. Then, back to shining the lights on the car, huddle, scratch heads. Within a few minutes, a firetruck showed up and 5 firemen piled off the truck and walked to the car. There was a civil servant huddle for a moment, someone popped their gum, and more heads were scratched. I, of course, snapped pictures. Firemen look really cool at night when a flashbulb is involved!. I'll have to post a picture to prove it. All of them turned my direction after the flash, and then continued to shine flashlights on the car, huddle and scratch.

Five minutes into this odd situation, a hospital administrator walked out the front door on his cell phone, mumbling about the cars. He marched over to the huddled civil servants, and began to pace from one car to the next, booming commands into his cellphone. And yes, all the while, the policemen and the firemen continued working out the problem huddling, flashlighting, and scratching their heads. An exhausted physician walked out the front door wearing scrubs and demanded to know if he would be able to drive his car out of the parking lot. Once he was assured he could leave, he glanced at the Accord encroaching the landing pad and said testily "The helicopter can't land with that white car parked there." Now, I'm not the most diplomatic person when humor is presented. I snorted out a laugh. The doctor turned to face me, his evil physician's eyes glaring at me, and stomped (yes, one can stomp even while wearing blue booties) back into the hospital in a huff. His huffiness caused YO and I to laugh even harder.

Finally, the helicopter was within sight. One more time an announcement went out over the PA system, and two sheepish men came out and moved their vehicles just in time. Head scratching done, the civil servants wandered out of the way to allow the helicopter to land. We were rudely ushered back into the hospital so as not to be covered by whatever the helicopter would kick up during it's landing.

I will share the last half of our eventful night tomorrow. My husband's snores are beckoning me to join him in blessed sleep.

Alakai has ARRIVED

One goal down!! After an extremely rough night of it, Matthew and Anna have a 9 lb 5 oz healthy baby boy who happens to be 21 inches long! He was in the birth canal long enough that he has a cone shaped head with lots of black hair! Mom and Dad are spending some quality time with him right now; grandparents, aunts and uncles are waiting in the wings for the first glimpse. I sure do appreciate all of you. I am looking forward to a long nap and a good blog this afternoon sharing the crazy night we had! Thanks for checking in to follow along with the progress. - Grandma Dawn